A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and thanked him for his discourse. “I found it so helpful,” she said.

The minister replied: “I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach.”

“Why, what do you mean?” asked the astonished woman.

“Well,” said the minister, “that sermon lasted you three months.”

There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten Commandments,” answered the lady.

When a church seeks a pastor, they want the strength of an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a dove, the friendliness of a sparrow, and the night hours of an owl. And when they catch that bird, they expect the pastor to live on the food of a canary.

The minister had a special filing drawer for his bills. It was labeled: “Due unto others.”

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible… Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task, but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,

“The Lord is my shepherd…and that’s all I need to know!”

A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate and passed it on, admiring that the man was being generous. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper:

“Son,” the man said, “that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket.”

A 5 year old boy was sitting down to eat some leftovers when his mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied, “Mom we don’t have to. We prayed over this last night.”

Pastor’s Announcement Before Offering: “I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is deductible, cannot be taken with you and is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil.”

A five year old was discussing Noah’s Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, “How many animals went into the Ark?”

The youngster replied: “One mail and one e-mail.”

This was a notice to inform the congregation about a PANTRY PARTY for the pastor:

“Due to the fact that this is Pastor Appreciation month, we will be having a Pastor Appreciation Party down at the white building on October 31, 1999. Please bring a panty item so that we can build up Pastor’s Y2K panty for him and Edna. This is a surprise, so please do not tell him. Sandwiches, cider and donuts will be served. Please come and show the Pastor how much you support and appreciate him. We look forward to seeing you then.”

An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi’s office and is offered a seat.

“Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?”

The Rabbi answers, “Yes, he will.”

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one.

Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited–and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, “Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.”

And the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one ma’am, I’m glad it’s done too!!”

There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign…

“Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.”

During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: “Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?”

Gary answered soberly: “I asked God to teach me to whistle … And He just then did!”

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.

Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, “All the way home, God’s been taking my picture!”

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… ”

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, “Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you……”

A little boy was watching his new baby brother who was crying full force.

“Where’d we get him, mom?” he asked.

“From Heaven,” the mother answered.

The little boy wrinkled his nose and covered his ears with his hands and stated matter-of-factly, “This is probably why they didn’t keep him there!”

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer “Dear Harold,” …….. At this, dad interrupted and said, “Wait a minute, “How come you called God, Harold? The little boy looked up and said, “That’s what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name.”

A little boy’s prayer: “Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we’re gonna be in a big mess.”

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. “Fine,” said the pleased mother. “If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you.”

“Oh, I didn’t ask Him to help me not misbehave,” said Johnny. I asked Him to help you put up with me.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if You can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am!”

People want the front of the bus; back of the church and center of attention.

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, a lot of folks must love our church!

Overheard: We serve coffee after church to get people awake before they drive home.

A light hearted prayer:

Dear God,

So far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I’m glad of that, but in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed and from there on I’m going to need a lot more help. Thanking you in advance. Amen

I received the following in an email:

I was typing the prayer sheet for church one Sunday. For my father-in-law, I put “In the hospital, pray for healing, for pneumonia and anemia. When I did the spell checker, it was changed to “pray for healing, for pneumonia and enema.”

Let me tell you! It was a long week of diaper changing. I refrained the following week from asking them not to pray for enema or telling them their prayers were answered, all day every day that week.

Kevin and Ryan, ages five and three, were waiting for breakfast one Saturday morning. As their mother was preparing some pancakes, the boys began to argue loudly over who would get the first one from the griddle.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’” she explained.

Kevin immediately turned to his younger brother and said, “Okay, Ryan, you be Jesus!”

We have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 Commandments.

A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, “Are you a Christian?”

“Yes.”

“Do you read your Bible every day?”

She nodded her head, “Yes.”

Do you pray often?” the boy asked next, and again she answered, “Yes.”

With that he asked his final question, “Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?”

A little girl was given two dollars by her father. He told her that she could do anything she wanted with the one dollar and that the other dollar was to be given to God on Sunday at church. The girl nodded in agreement and asked if she could go to the candy store. With visions of all that she could buy with her dollar, she happily skipped toward the store, holding tightly to the two dollars in her hand. As she skipped along, she tripped and fell and the wind blew one of her dollars into a storm drain at the curve. Picking herself up, the little girl looked at the dollar still in her hand and then at the storm drain and said, “Well Lord, there goes your dollar.”

Televesion

On the table side by side,

the Holy Bible and the T.V. Guide.

One is well worn but cherished with pride;

not the Bible, the T.V. Guide.

One is used daily to help them decide;

no, it isn’t the Bible, it’s the T.V. Guide.

As pages are turned, what shall we see?

It doesn’t matter, turn on the T.V.

Confusion reigns; they can’t all agree

on what they should watch on the old T.V.

So, they open the book in which they confide;

no, not the Bible, the T.V. Guide.

The Word of God is seldom read,

maybe a verse as they fall into bed.

Exhausted and sleepy, and as tired as can be,

not from reading the Bible, but from watching T.V.

So then back to the table, side by side,

the Holy Bible and the T.V. Guide.

No time for prayer, no time for the Word;

the plan of salvation is seldom heard.

Yet, forgiveness of sins, so full and so free,

is found in the Bible, not on T.V.

During a sermon, the country preacher said to his congregation,

“Now let the church walk.” Deacon Jones said, “Amen, let it walk.”

“Let the church run,” said the preacher. “Let it run,” echoed Deacon Jones.

Let it fly,” said the preacher. “Amen, brother, let the church fly,” said Deacon Jones.

“Now it’s going to take money to let it fly, brother,” said the preacher. “Let it walk,” said Deacon Jones, “Let it walk.”

A pastor was talking to his farmer friend, and he asked the farmer, “If you had one hundred horses, would you give me fifty?” The farmer said, “Certainly.”

The pastor asked, “If you had one hundred cows, would you give me fifty?” The farmer said, “Yes.”

Then the pastor asked, “If you had two pigs, would you give me one?” The farmer said, “Now cut that out, pastor; you know I have two pigs!”

A family sat down at the dinner table following church one Sunday.

“The sermon was boring today,” said the teenage son.

“Yeah, could you believe how the pastor stumbled over the reading of the Scripture?” his sister chimed in.

“I’ve got to admit it was an uninspiring day,” said Mother. “The choir was terrible.”

Finally, father, showing his leadership, said, “Hush, you guys. Quit complaining. What did you expect for a quarter?”

Many believers don’t see the importance of regular church attendance. Members of Northend Prince of Peace Lutheran Church in Seattle received a special announcement in the mail, listing the many things that will be done for them at church on the following “no-excuse-to-stay-home-Sunday.”

According to the pastor, cots will be available for those who say Sunday is their only day to sleep in. Eye drops will be supplied for those who have red eyes from watching late Saturday night TV shows. There will be steel helmets for those who say the roof would cave in if they ever went to church, blankets for persons who think the church is too cold, fans for those who say it is too hot, scorecards for those wishing to list all the hypocrites present, TV dinners for those who can’t go to church and also cook dinner. Finally, the sanctuary would be decorated with Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.

A young parish minister about to deliver his first sermon asked a retired cleric for advice on how to capture the congregation’s attention.

“Start with an opening line that’s certain to grab them.” the older man said, “For example: ‘Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife.” He smiled at the younger man’s shocked expression before adding, “She was my mother.”

The next Sunday the young clergyman nervously clutched the pulpit rail in front of the congregation. Finally he said, “Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.” He was pleased at the instant reaction-then became panic-stricken. “But for the life of me, I can’t remember who she was!”

The frenzied activities of Christians have made someone revise the old nursery rhyme to read (sorry but Baptist was in the original version – you can substitute whatever name you wish):

Mary had a little lamb

Twas given her to keep

But then it join the Baptist Church

And died for lack of sleep

A little boy was saying his bedtime prayers with his mother:

“Lord, bless Mommy and Daddy, and God, GIVE ME A NEW BICYCLE!!!”

Mom: “God’s not deaf, son.

Boy: “I know, Mom, but Grandma’s in the next room, and she’s hard of hearing!

“Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world – there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

“Too many Christians are no longer fishers of men but keepers of the aquarium.”

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”

A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding.

As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.”

The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, “Go thou and sin no more.”